My Testimony

Ive introduced Joshua and who he is. But before we go any further, i should probly add the rest of my testimony. How did this all come about. How do I know anything about this topic. Am I for real? Yes, Im not just saying "I understand" I actually lived thru the pain and misery. Ive suffered the consequences. Thats exactly why I want to show others how to deal with these consequences and how God can take them away. So I guess to introduce my self, heres my testimony...

I moved in with my boyfriend right out of high school (even graduated a year early just so I coudl do it) I thougt for sure that we would be together forever. That lasted almost 3 years, and then I left. After leaving him (because hes not really part of the story, but is a reason to why i kinda went a little wild and crazy for a while) i believed all the hype that i had gotten married too young and needed to "be young" nad sow my wild oats. So I went for it. I lived a crazy crazy lifestyle for a few years. Only by Gods grace did I survive! Because the things I did, I should be dead right now. But God had a bigger purpose, so by His grace, I survived.
Eventually, I let another man move in with me. It wasnt long before I found out I was pregnant. Ahhh!!! What was I gonna do now? Abortion was mentioned as an option, but I never accepted that. i said no way, I wont do it. I was kinda happy to be pregnant even though i had no clue what i was about to face. My "boyfriend" (other wise known as the sperm donor, because we cant think of anything better to say) was black and I am white. Some members of my family were, at the time, a bit prejudiced. (i say were because God used my son to show my family that peple are people regardless of what they look like praise God for that!!) I had to face these people, who i loved and i turned out to be a big disappoint me to them for a while. And, this man didnt stick around long. He left me, went back to his wife, took my car, tried to get me thrown in jail (false charges and the police knew it it was realllllly stupid!!) I lived in a different town that where i worked. So here I was pregnant, with no car and no way to work. To make a really long story a little shorter, I went into pre term labor, had to quit work and move in with my aunt, an hour away. I went thru a lot of hard times, but made it thru, soemhow (that somehow was God but I didnt know it then).
I had my baby and then moved 2 hours away, into my moms house. So here i was 24, a new mom, and a complete failure in life and living with my mother again. I couldnt stand it. I had to make something out of myself, for me and my son. I got a job and my son and i got our own apartment.
I believed the lie that no man would ever want me again. So of course, the first one that showed any interest at all, I took. WRONG ANSWER!!! I ended up pregnant again. My son wasnt even a year old! Here I was, had already disappointed everyone in my life, and now pregnant again. I had no intention of staying withthis man. I was afraid of him. I didnt like him, and I didnt want to be tied to him for the rest of my life. Fear of facing everyone in my life and dealing with this man forever took ahold of me.
Suddenly, after living my whole life saying abortion wasnt an option for me (i had always said that it wasnt wrong but that i wouldnt do it myself) I quickly considered it. It was so easy! i told me boss, and she lied to me, told me how to get out of work without anyone knowing. My mom was going to take me. My insurance paid for it. Id be in and out and itd be over with, never to think of it for the rest of my life!!
WRONG!!! DEAD WRONG!!
The dr. never told me what would happen. Io wasnt newly pregnant. I was 17 weeks by the time i had the abortion. I wont go into all the details because it will be too painful for anyone reading this and going thru the same memories. However, if youd like to know them, I will share, just comment me and ill email it to you. But I will tell you that I had to go into the hospital. I had to lay on a hopsialt bed for hours IN LABOR!!! I remember looking at my mom in horror telling her that I was so far into labor i was going to have to deliver this baby and then i wouldnt be able to handle that! (notice allt he "i"and "me's" in this! i was so seflish!!) I didnt deliver him, the nurse finally came and got me and the dr put me to sleep and when i woke up it was all over. still having no clue what had happened to me or my baby. having no clue that my life had just changed forever. Having no clue of the regret and guilt I would face for the rest of my life. This was October 9th.
On October 19, my grandmother, whom I adored, who raised me, who I called my mom for so long, died. She was the best Christian witness in my life. Such a strong loving Christian woman. I loved her so much. MY world was once again rocked. I had never experienced the death of someone close to me. Man that hurt so bad! I tried to go on, even though every day hurt so bad and I couldnt understand why. Wasnt this abortion supposed to make everything better??
There was a guy at work (yeah until this point, i shouldve learned to just stay away from men!) but t his one was differend. He kept talking to me about God. I was raised in church, I knew about God, but somehoe, I listened different this time. Everyone made fun of him because he would walk around singing hymns and talk about Jesus. but I would stand up for him. I liked what he was saying. One night, December 19th, he invited me to go to a Christmas play that he was going to be in. I thougt he was asking me out. I said "Sure!" We got there, (it was an huor away) and I realized that he was in the play, not sitting with me (yeah, Im not the sharpest knife in the drawer!!!) So there I sat, all alone, in this HUGE church knowing no one except my friend who was in the play. Again, all alone :( I cant tell you waht the play was about, I dont rememebr much of it, because that night, allt hru that play, I started having conversations with my very best friend. Jesus talked to me all thru that play. The guilt, the conviction, the truth faced me that night like it never had before. I actually forgot that I was sitting in this huge church, because at this point, it was all about me and God! He asked me, "are you going to give me your life?" "yes, Lord, please! Take it!! I give you ALL!!"He saved me that night! He took this pitiful life and made me whole. He cleaned the uncleanable. He said "Go and sin no more!"
A really awesome thing, is that Jason (this guy who witnessed to me and took me to the play) he lived an hour away, in another city about the size of where we worked, and couldnt find a job there any where. He worked there for over a year until he could find a job in his hometown. A week after I was saved, he was transferred to his hometown! I do believe he was there to witness to me! No, by the way, he wasnt flirting, we never got together, never tried, it wasnt about that! It was about God! Much better!!!
Theres so much more, but Ive written a book. but I cannot stop here.
I did join a church, the church my mom had been telling me for about 10 years that I ought to try and visit. I was baptized and started attending regularly. One night I went to what I thought was a Singles Bible study. It was, instead a birthday party for one of the single men. This man, i now call my husband. our first date was the night before my sons first birthday party (in January) We wre married the following June. One of the dates that we went on, was going to a Kathy Troccoli concert with another couple. She sang this song about abortion. In the lobby, before the concert, I saw a shurt that had those words on it. I dreaded the whole concert, knowing she was going to sing this song. I coudlnt handle it. I was bawling like a baby. Felt like the whole was looking at me, knowing what I had done. The guilt! Tha pain! I couldnt handle it. Way too much to bear!
Our aweosme God took this song, and told me "its time to deal with this! I wont let it just be buried!" I dotn remember how long it took, but evetually, I was lead to our local CPC (Crisis Pregnancy Center) I wanted to help others deal with this. They told me about this group called HEART (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related trama). Of course, I couldnt start leading it until I had went thru it myself. So I went thru the group. Oh my! I thougth I had dealt with it. But this group really helped me pull stuff out that I didnt even realize. I would get mad at what the rest of the world thought was something else, and it was , to me, about the abortion. But I can truely say that God took that all away from me. Using the things I had learned from HEART I was actually able to live thru this! There was hope! I also learned that my baby is in heaven, and Ill get to meet him someday!!! A little extra gift from God! hes still my son! I jstu dont get to raise him. But his life still had a purpose. God used me (ME!! a complete failure and a dissappointment to the entire wolrd!! He used ME!!!) to tell others by using my story! What an honor! I got to go around and speak to churchs about this horror. I got to show other women whove went this this that there is life and forgiveness afterwards! I even got to talk to a few women who were considering abortion and show them that there are other options!
But where my heart is, is to show other women that there is hope! There is healing! That God has a much better life for us and that this IS NOT the unpardonable sin!! That Jesus died on the cross for even this!
You know what I just realized, even more if not before. I havent been in this "fight" for a while. Ive let life get in the way. I dont want to stop. I want back in the fight! I want God to use me in this awesome message for His lost sheep! My prayer is that God is not done with me yet. That He will use me more and let me use my precious baby, Joshua, and his life and his story to help others struggling with this horror!!
Statistics show that at least one person in every family has dealt with this. If your reading this and are, or know soemone who is struggling with this, please know that theres hope! theres healing! please contact me! Id love to talk more. Id love to show you what God has said about this!
And if you are, or know someone who is dealing with the possibilty of having an abortion, know that God loves you and this precious child. Know that you are a parent now no matter what you choose. No condemnation w ill come from my lips (or hands as i type) but know that Jesus loves you and has a plan. please contact me and I will help you go thru this.
God is awesome! his healing is amazing! We often spend too much time forgetting this fact!